The Ultimate, All-Inclusive Relationship Compatibility Test! (Part 2 of 2)

What is the secret to a successful relationship?

Is it chocolate? Ice cream sundaes?

Laughing at each other's farts?

Is relationship compatibility something you can learn?

Learn all this and more in The Ultimate, All-Inclusive Relationship Compatibility Test: a fail-proof, fool-proof, EXPLOSION-proof guide to finding your soulmate. Read on to unravel the mysteries of Love and Romance!

The Ultimate, All-Inclusive Relationship Compatibility Test!

Presented in Two Parts

(In Part 1: Mutual Attraction, we learned how to tell if the guy/gal you stalk daily that special someone likes you back! The techniques learned in Part 1 are crucially important, so read that first if you missed it.)

PART 2. Determining Compatibility

People are puzzle pieces: some of us fit together and some don't.

...No, not like that! Jeez people, I have kid siblings who read this blog. Keep it PG, yo. ANYWAY. I will now explain how to measure your relationship compatibility using a handy (hurr hurr) analysis called the Puzzle Test.

Step 1: Fold your hands together and interlace the fingers. Make a note of which thumb is on top.

The top one is your dominant thumb and your bottom thumb is submissive. (Yes, har har. Shut up.) As a rule of thumb, a dominant right thumb matches a submissive left thumb, and a dominant left thumb matches a submissive right thumb.

Try interlacing your fingers with the other one on top. (If you don't find this extremely uncomfortable, something is wrong with you.) Now imagine the love of your life squishing your fingers together in that awkward position... FOREVER.

NO. DO NOT WANT!

Step 2: While in the company of your special someone, deliberately fold your hands. As we discussed in Part 1, the person should instinctively copy your movement.

Step 3: Observe their folded hands and note the position of their thumbs relative to yours.

Scenario A: You and your S.O. match.

REJOICE, FOR THE FATES HAVE ALIGNED!

Cupcakes will fall from the sky! Penguins will serenade you with love songs! Sunsets will set with dazzling colours and clouds will form heart-shapes wherever you go! You will live happily ever after, have twenty children together, be reborn in the afterlife as unicorns and live happily ever after AGAIN.

(Enjoy hand-holding while you can, sucker! You can't even hold a hoof, so there!)

Scenario B: You and your S.O. are different.

Differing thumb preferences are entirely incompatible, and hand-holding will always be agony for one of you. Please join me in observing a moment of silence for your doomed relationship.

...
...
...

You have my heartfelt condolences.

What? You doubt my wisdom? It will never work, I tell you, and here is why:

Done properly, hand-holding is an enjoyable activity that gives everyone involved the warm fuzzies (or the sticky sweaties). It should not be difficult. Imagine yourself, now, with your special someone:

Rainbows shine from their nostrils and flowers sprout from their ears. They are beautiful! PERFECT! And — yes — THEY'RE WALKING THIS WAY. They flash you a dazzling smile and a sultry wink and you blink, blushing furiously. You look up to see them standing beside you, and as their fingers lovingly interlace with yours, your heart melts...

But alas, having your hand held contrary to its native thumb alignment is inter-digital agony. The torture leaves you unable to concentrate on anything... no, not even your partner's jewel-bright eyes or the melodic sound of their voice. You sit in silence, blood rushing through your ears, until you can bear it no longer.

Hesitant, you re-grasp their hand in an attempt to restore comfort. You hope that it might last a few minutes. Equality in hand-holding is a fundamental right! But all too soon, they "correct" your correction, putting you right back where you started.

This cycle might occur several times. Again and again they crush your hand and soul in blissful ignorance, and finally you give up. Your self esteem dies a slow, torturous death and you are never happy again.

PRO TIP: If you experience no problems when handholding but have not performed the Puzzle Test, beware! You may be doing the crushing!

Sometimes people with opposing thumb alignments are cursed with a double-share of selfish stubbornness. Hand-holding conflict increases exponentially and things get ugly VERY fast. Observe:

"Alright, we've done things her way for a while.
Time to switch things up here."

"Just WHAT does he think he's doing? Is the way
I hold hands not good enough for him?"

"Not again! Everything is ALWAYS about you, you, you;
it's high time I had MY needs met in this relationship!"

"What an insensitive JERK. I bet he doesn't truly love ME at all,
he only wants me for my hands!!! Misogynistic PIG."

The situation quickly escalates into a full-scale thumb war of total destruction! Both of you will perish in a kaleidoscopic explosion, leaving behind a small crater of angst and sadness.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Have you ever had an awkward hand-holding experience? Share your story in the comments! And remember, if reading this made you smile, please share the love by sharing this post. Thanks!